Author Topic: Clean Jokes  (Read 77511 times)

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Ian

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Clean Jokes
« on: September 03, 2010, 03:14:15 PM »
Only for the mild of manner
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2010, 01:05:37 PM »
Coleen, Do you fancy getting your own back on Wayne? If you do give me a call,     Love John Terry
Dictum Meum Pactum

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2010, 01:21:07 PM »
The disgraced Pakistani Cricket Team players are now working in a Curry House in Leeds.   Slip 'em a couple of quid with your order and they'll guarantee that you won't get any Runs!
Dictum Meum Pactum

Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2010, 01:54:48 PM »
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2010, 01:55:07 PM »
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2010, 01:55:27 PM »
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket
seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.

DaveR

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2010, 02:09:58 PM »
 _))*  :P  D)  L0L  :twoface:



Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2010, 03:37:27 PM »
Phoned the Council to ask if I could have a skip outside the house tomorrow, The guy said you can cartwheel round the block for all I care ! D) D) D)
Dictum Meum Pactum

JasonW

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2010, 02:55:22 PM »
Quiggs: I do like that one.   _))*  _))*  _))*

Nemesis

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2010, 03:33:56 PM »
So do I <:<:<:<
Mad, Bad and Dangerous to know.

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2010, 05:58:03 PM »
A blonde gets a job as a teacher, she noticed a boy on his own whist the others were running around, she asked if he was OK. yes he replied. She said you can play with the others over there, he said it would be better if he stayed. She said why is that, because I'm the GOALKEEPER! D)
Dictum Meum Pactum

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #11 on: September 11, 2010, 12:44:36 PM »
 I recall shouting at Rooney during the world cup, " you fat useless lump, you couldn't score in a brothel "  How stupid do I feel now !! :england2:
Dictum Meum Pactum

nettle

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #12 on: September 12, 2010, 04:08:00 PM »
Alex Ferguson held a 80's party at Old Trafford

Giggs turned up in a cortina

Scholes was in a capri

And Rooney just come in a old Escort............... ;)

Quiggs

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2010, 01:14:48 PM »
Good Morning, this is Pakistani Radio Sports News................... Here are tomorrow's Cricket results.   ZXZ
Dictum Meum Pactum

Ian

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Re: Clean Jokes
« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2010, 04:16:23 PM »
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

... you're singing it now, aren't you…??
“Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.”   ― Michel de Montaigne

Si hoc legere scis, nimis eruditionis habes.